I'm up early. I spend some hours doing the things I want to do. Lovely.
I hear stirring in the nursery. Stirring becomes giggles. Sweet Pea is talking to herself. She's awake! In I go to get her up.
Just like every morning, she greets me with a big gummy smile. I tell you, there is no better way to start your day. She always looks so genuinely happy to see me. We have a sit and a snuggle while she nurses. I feel calm, serene, happy. Sigh.
Next up: diaper change, and getting dressed. I pick out a really cute outfit. Polka-dot onsie, denim jumper, striped tights, cupcake slippers.
Once she's in a fresh diaper, we start getting her dressed.
First up - tights. The first foot is generally not an issue. Tights bunched up, put foot in, pull up to thigh.
It's the second foot that will fuck with you. Tights bunched up, chase foot around, let go of tights, grab foot, attempt to bunch tights with one hand . . . release foot. Bunch tights, chase foot, grab foot with one hand hold tights with the other, stuff foot in with one hand.
Notice first foot has been worked out.
Only toes are still in the tights.
Third foot. *Bunch tights, chase foot, grab one-handed - damn. Let go, pull tights back up second leg. Repeat from * twice. Deep breath. Bunch tights, chase foot, BINGO!
Pull tights to thighs as quickly as possible.
Stand baby up, pull tights up the rest of the way. HA! Got ya.
Onsie - should be simple. Onsies we do every day.
Bunch up, put over head. Speak in a soothing tone while baby wails, sure she has gone blind. Yank down.
Bend arm at elbow, despite resistance, squeeze into sleeve. Repeat with other arm. Pull down body. Waste 45 seconds wondering if it's tights over onsie, or onsie over tights. Decide it really doesn't matter. Attempt to snap onsie shut. Pull harder. Snap, snap, snap. Done.
Denim jumper - Waste 45 seconds pondering 'over head, or pull up'? Put jumper over baby's head. Speak in a soothing tone while baby flails in denim bag. Tell baby you are afraid to grab the jumper while she flops like that because you fear poking her eyes out. Stand baby up. Jumper stands straight up from shoulders. Attempt to pull jumper over shoulders with one hand while supporting frantic baby with the other hand. Tell baby she has a good point. Pulling the jumper down will only pin her arms to her sides thereby hindering the dressing process. Lay baby down. Insert fingers into arm hole, locate corresponding arm, pull through. Repeat on other side. Stand baby up, pull jumper down, close zipper. Done.
Slippers - again, should be easy enough.
Open slipper really wide. Slide foot in toe first. Curse the makers of skid-proof tights. Open slipper really wide. Slide foot in toe first against the top of the slipper. Wiggle heel in. Pull up slipper. Repeat with other foot. Done.
Ah yes, the baby is dressed. I feel less calm, less serene - to be honest, a little frazzled and harried. But still happy. Happy she's dressed.
Take baby downstairs, set in infant chair for play time. Smile at the cute baby. Feel warm and fuzzy as she smiles back.
Listen in horror to the sounds issuing from cute baby's bum. Recognize sounds as imminent diaper blowout. Stand by helplessly.
Grab poopy baby. Note the wet icky spot in infant chair. Head back upstairs. Remove slippers. Remove jumper, grimace at the wet spot spreading up the back. Look at baby's back. DON'T look at baby's back. Shudder quietly.
Un-snap onsie. Snap. Snap. Sigh. Snap. Ponder best way to remove poopy onsie without getting ick all over baby. Complete removal of onsie slowly, carefully, and completely squicked out. Look at tights. Marvel at baby's ability to have a poop blow out that doesn't just go up, it goes up AND around. Consider using tongs to remove tights. Discard idea. Consider using gloves to remove tights. Discard idea. Remove tights.
Give baby a 'wipe bath' from shoulder blades to ankles. Wonder how she got poo in her knee-pits. Recognize the culprit was likely the tights removal. Use inordinate amount of wipes.